This story takes place a long time ago when Agnes was a little girl with thick glasses who had difficulty understanding colloquialisms as well as many other things. There is a word for people like Agnes, and that word is naive.
Agnes always wanted to know what something meant, especially if it made other people laugh. Agnes liked to laugh and liked even more to make other people laugh. Sometimes, she would repeat something someone else said that was funny. So it was important to have lots of funny things to say.
One of the things Agnes' mother frequently said was, "I'll tell you when you're older." A lot of times this was said after something funny had happened that Agnes didn't understand. She would tug on her mother's sleeve and say, "What's so funny mommy?"
Inevitably, the answer would be, "I'll tell you when you're older."
One day, Agnes saw her birth certificate. It had her parents' race listed on it. She was surprised to see that her father was Caucasian. "I didn't know Daddy was CaucAsian," she said.
"What race did you think he was?" asked her mother.
"White," said Agnes, "I didn't know we were Asian."
Many years later when Agnes was in Junior High School, she started learning about colloquialisms. Things like, "Nipping at your heels" didn't really mean that someone was biting your heels, unless they really were. In that way, colloquialisms really left something to be desired.
When Agnes became an adult, the first thing she said to her mother was, "Okay, I'm older now, what is it that you haven't been telling me?"
"What are you talking about?" asked her mother.
"You kept saying that you would tell me when I was older."
Agnes' mother laughed, "I don't remember!"
Any resemblance to persons, places, things, and events, real or imagined is probably well founded. The author apologizes in advance for using anything that anyone, real or imagined believes is inappropriate, their property (whether real or imagined), or in any way causes any sort of reaction. In short, if you want something removed or altered, ask me.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Day Dreams, Please
Agnes, Francine, and Evira were having coffee at Victor’s and talking about relationships.
“I give him seashells and he puts them in his window,” said Francine.
“I let him know who the bitch is,” said Evira.
“Murble, gurble, bleh,” said Agnes, “I like the guys in my head much better.”
“There are guys in your head?” Francine cocked her head inquiringly, “What are their names?”
“Zach, Tootie, and Fred.”
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
“I kinda agree with you,” Francine pauses, then plunges on heedlessly, “You ever imagine that maybe some kind of disaster happens and all of society falls apart and we have to form these communal groups in order to survive . . .”
“Yeah!”
“. . . and you’re in the same group as him and in your fight for survival he is drawn in by your skills and character?”
“Mmmmm,” Evira and Agnes sigh in unison, “Skills and character.”
Agnes polishes off her coffee, “How about this? He catches Ebola and no women want to be anywhere around him because he’s contagious and has to live in a bubble, but I don’t care and I sneak in and make love to him and . . .”
“And if your love child survives he becomes the Anti-Christ?” Francine arches her brows.
“That’s a little too weird for me,” Evira giggles.
“He’s stuck in a giant block of ice,” Francine sips her tea.
“With Ebola?”
“No, no, no. No disease, just cold, frozen, unconscious, in a block of ice. I have to defrost him using my body heat or he will face certain death! So, unselfishly, I have to warm him up. Naked.”
“Of course.”
“Oo! Oo! Oo!” Agnes bounces up and down, “I’ve got it! He was in the war and he lost an arm and he feels like half the man he used to be, only really he’s three quarters the man he used to be. Anyway, he’s really freaked out about the whole thing and thinks that his stump is disgusting and I meet him and I’m like, ‘Can I see your stump?’ And he’s like, ‘No!’ And I say, “Please!” and he says, “No!”
“Was that coffee decaf?” says Francine.
“So then finally he shows me his stump and I think it’s the sexiest thing in the world and he lets me touch it!”
“Uh,” Francine examines Agnes’ coffee cup, “I thought you ordered decaf, but it says ‘double’ right here.”
“I feel like there’s something on my cheek that I can’t get off,” Agnes scratches at her face.
“No . . .”
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
After coffee, Francine went for a walk with her boyfriend. Evira intentionally avoided her boyfriend and went to a belly dancing lesson. Agnes went home and talked to one of her plants until she passed out.
Tootie recovered from him Ebola but always maintained that something very strange had gone on in his bubble one night. Fred got a prosthetic arm and started playing bass guitar for a band that was twice as loud as they were good. Zach temporarily transformed into a plant, attempted to convince Agnes to take an interstellar vacation with him. Agnes woke up the next day with disturbing dreams of having been a goldfish.
“I give him seashells and he puts them in his window,” said Francine.
“I let him know who the bitch is,” said Evira.
“Murble, gurble, bleh,” said Agnes, “I like the guys in my head much better.”
“There are guys in your head?” Francine cocked her head inquiringly, “What are their names?”
“Zach, Tootie, and Fred.”
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
“I kinda agree with you,” Francine pauses, then plunges on heedlessly, “You ever imagine that maybe some kind of disaster happens and all of society falls apart and we have to form these communal groups in order to survive . . .”
“Yeah!”
“. . . and you’re in the same group as him and in your fight for survival he is drawn in by your skills and character?”
“Mmmmm,” Evira and Agnes sigh in unison, “Skills and character.”
Agnes polishes off her coffee, “How about this? He catches Ebola and no women want to be anywhere around him because he’s contagious and has to live in a bubble, but I don’t care and I sneak in and make love to him and . . .”
“And if your love child survives he becomes the Anti-Christ?” Francine arches her brows.
“That’s a little too weird for me,” Evira giggles.
“He’s stuck in a giant block of ice,” Francine sips her tea.
“With Ebola?”
“No, no, no. No disease, just cold, frozen, unconscious, in a block of ice. I have to defrost him using my body heat or he will face certain death! So, unselfishly, I have to warm him up. Naked.”
“Of course.”
“Oo! Oo! Oo!” Agnes bounces up and down, “I’ve got it! He was in the war and he lost an arm and he feels like half the man he used to be, only really he’s three quarters the man he used to be. Anyway, he’s really freaked out about the whole thing and thinks that his stump is disgusting and I meet him and I’m like, ‘Can I see your stump?’ And he’s like, ‘No!’ And I say, “Please!” and he says, “No!”
“Was that coffee decaf?” says Francine.
“So then finally he shows me his stump and I think it’s the sexiest thing in the world and he lets me touch it!”
“Uh,” Francine examines Agnes’ coffee cup, “I thought you ordered decaf, but it says ‘double’ right here.”
“I feel like there’s something on my cheek that I can’t get off,” Agnes scratches at her face.
“No . . .”
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
After coffee, Francine went for a walk with her boyfriend. Evira intentionally avoided her boyfriend and went to a belly dancing lesson. Agnes went home and talked to one of her plants until she passed out.
Tootie recovered from him Ebola but always maintained that something very strange had gone on in his bubble one night. Fred got a prosthetic arm and started playing bass guitar for a band that was twice as loud as they were good. Zach temporarily transformed into a plant, attempted to convince Agnes to take an interstellar vacation with him. Agnes woke up the next day with disturbing dreams of having been a goldfish.
Francine Joins the Circus
Francine broke up with Chet over coffee at Frachie Cup. “I just don’t feel a connection with you,” she said. Chet looked really sad, but didn’t cry. He couldn’t cry. He was a standard model android. Only deluxe models come with tear ducts, reproductive capabilities, and GPS.
More than anything, Chet wanted an upgrade or at least an oil change. When he said this the barista laughed, “Yeah man, me too.”
But this is not a story about Chet.
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Agnes was driving downWheaton Way
“Easy,” said Obe from the passenger seat.
“Clowns,” Agnes complained, “Circus equals clowns. Clowns are evil.”
“Yeah, I know.”
||T||||h||||e||||||N||||e||||x|||t||||||||D||||a||||y|||||||||||||||||||||
“Bye Agnes, I’m going to the circus.”
Agnes looked at Francine in disbelief. “The circus? The Funtimes-see-the-unicorn circus?”
“Yeah, why not?”
“Clowns.”
“Cute, single, acrobatic men!”
“Shiftless, scary, perverts. Do I need to mention clowns?”
“Agnes-“
“Clowns, Francine!”
“Uh-“
“If you bring one home I will pee myself!”
“Look-”
“Or kill it.”
“I’m not going to date a clown!”
“Or pee myself while killing it.”
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
The Funtimes Circus was one tent pitched in the parking lot of Kmart.
The show consisted of a scantily clad woman who stood on a horse while it ran in circles (“interesting, but stupid”), a lone trapeze/high wire artist (“too old”), a sword swallower who ate a fiery sword (“sexy”), and a goat with a horn grafted in the middle of its head (“wrong species”).
After the show Francine asked the Ring Master if she could talk to the sword swallower. “I just wanted to tell him how cool his act was.”
“Sure,” said the Ring Master, “Crispy should be putting his equipment away in that van over there.”
As Francine walked over to Crispy, she tried to think of what to say to him, “You should see what I can set on fire! No . . . Hey, nice sword. No, too obvious.”
Crispy was cussing to himself and smoking a cigarette, “Mother fucking piece of worthless shit!”
“Yeah!” said Francine, “You tell that fucker!”
Crispy looked startled, “Sorry. I just can’t get this effing thing back in my van.”
“What kind of effing thing? Something ineffective? Something infuckingective?”
Crispy looked at Francine with his mouth open for a while. Then he started laughing and asked her out on a date.
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Agnes was driving alongWheaton Way
Agnes almost drove off the road. She couldn’t look away from the clown face framed in her rearview mirror. She was afraid to stop the car. She was afraid to keep driving. With one hand she hit the speed-dial on her cell phone.
“Hello?”
“Francine, you’ve got to help me!”
“What’s wrong? Have you been in a car crash?”
“No, but I’m about to. There is a clown in my backseat and I can’t drive and keep my eyes on it at the same time.”
“How did a clown get in your backseat?”
“Blew in through the window.”
“What?”
“It blew in through the window.”
“Why don’t you stop the car?”
“It’s not belted in.”
“Agnes?”
“Yeah?”
“Why do you care that it’s not belted in?”
“Because it will fly at me!”
“Drive home. I’ll meet you out front with a baseball bat.”
“Can’t drive.”
“Ask the clown which way to go.”
“Oh, thank God, there’s a cop behind me and he’s pulling me over.”
|T|||h|||r||||e||||e||||||W|||e||||e|||k||||s||||||L|||a||||t||||e||||r|
“Agnes, tell Evira about the clown!”
“Only after you tell us what Crispy did now.”
A waiter comes up and interrupts the conversation. He takes their drink orders and walks away.
“That waiter has Zach’s head,” said Agnes.
“Whose head?”
“Zach.”
“Who’s Zach and exactly where does the waiter keep his head?”
“I was wondering the same thing myself,” Agnes picked at the menu.
“So, tell us about Crispy,” said Evira, “Your sword swallowing hottie.”
“Yeah, he’s hot,” sighed Francine, “If only I could figure him out. Sometimes he’s so sweet, but other times I feel like he’s not really treating me right.”
“Like when?” Evira prompted.
“Well, like the other day he was telling me about this big sword swallowing convention he’s going to in New Hampshire and he said how great it would be and that there’d be lots of chicks who’d want to ‘swallow his sword.’ And I kinda lost my cool and said, ‘They better not!’”
“And what’d he say?”
“He didn’t say anything and I apologized for loosing my cool.”
“So he was an ass, and you apologized.”
The waiter came by to take their orders. Agnes eyed him distrustfully. The waiter smiled at her. Agnes started to slowly slide down in her seat, “He gives me the creeps. Anyway, what did Crispy do today that upset you.”
“Oh, well, today he asked me to buy him tickets to this party he’s going to in Olalla. He couldn’t buy the tickets himself because he has to work. I said sure and then he was talking about how much he wanted to go, that he was going by himself, and that if he couldn’t get tickets they would have to put on ninja suits and sneak in. Then he got all flustered and said he meant just him, not they.” Francine sighed, “I think he’s taking another girl.”
“Circus freak,” said Agnes.
“Do you still have the tickets?” Evira bounced in her chair. “Don’t give them to him. Disappear and go to the party yourself. What kind of party is it anyway?”
Francine pulled out the tickets and handed them to Agnes.
“Olalla Family Nudist Party?!”
Francine and Evira stare at Agnes.
“Didn’t you read them?” asks Agnes, “It says right here underneath your name.” Agnes starts giggling and can’t stop.
“That bastard. You know, women’s liberation is very important,” Evira takes the tickets from Agnes and hands them back to Francine, “That’s why you need to keep these tickets and never see him again.”
Agnes keeps giggling.
“I’ll think about it,” says Francine.
The waiter comes by with their drinks. Agnes stops giggling.
“All right,” says Francine, “now you have to tell her about the clown.”
“So I was driving down the street and this blow-up clown blew in the back of my car and it scared me so bad that I couldn’t take my eyes off the rear view mirror.”
Agnes pauses while the waiter serves their food.
“Is your name Zach?” asks Francine.
“No, sorry,” says the waiter.
Francine shrugs at Agnes and gestures for her to continue.
“So finally a cop pulls me over,” Agnes starts giggling again, “So now I have driving in an HOV lane with a blow-up clown on my record.”
“Where did it come from?”
“The circus? I don’t know. I kept having the weirdest feeling it was trying to tell me something.”
“What was it trying to tell you?”
“I don’t know. Something aboutTexas
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“Agnes?”
“Yeah?”
“You’re wearing shoes.”
“So, it’s a nudist party, not a shoeless party.”
“I can’t believe we’re doing this. Crispy will kill me if he sees me here.”
“Funtimes.”
“There he is!” Francine dives behind a tree.
Agnes stares at Crispy and his date.
“You’re wearing shoes,” says Crispy.
“And you’re cheating on you girlfriend,” says Agnes.
Crispy turns bright red as his date stares at him, “Is this true?”
As they walk away arguing, Agnes stares at an invisible spot in the sky. Francine comes out from behind the tree, “What are you looking at?”
“Oh, I just thought I saw something weird in the sky, but it must have just been my retina detaching.
More than anything, Chet wanted an upgrade or at least an oil change. When he said this the barista laughed, “Yeah man, me too.”
But this is not a story about Chet.
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Agnes was driving down
“Easy,” said Obe from the passenger seat.
“Clowns,” Agnes complained, “Circus equals clowns. Clowns are evil.”
“Yeah, I know.”
||T||||h||||e||||||N||||e||||x|||t||||||||D||||a||||y|||||||||||||||||||||
“Bye Agnes, I’m going to the circus.”
Agnes looked at Francine in disbelief. “The circus? The Funtimes-see-the-unicorn circus?”
“Yeah, why not?”
“Clowns.”
“Cute, single, acrobatic men!”
“Shiftless, scary, perverts. Do I need to mention clowns?”
“Agnes-“
“Clowns, Francine!”
“Uh-“
“If you bring one home I will pee myself!”
“Look-”
“Or kill it.”
“I’m not going to date a clown!”
“Or pee myself while killing it.”
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
The Funtimes Circus was one tent pitched in the parking lot of Kmart.
The show consisted of a scantily clad woman who stood on a horse while it ran in circles (“interesting, but stupid”), a lone trapeze/high wire artist (“too old”), a sword swallower who ate a fiery sword (“sexy”), and a goat with a horn grafted in the middle of its head (“wrong species”).
After the show Francine asked the Ring Master if she could talk to the sword swallower. “I just wanted to tell him how cool his act was.”
“Sure,” said the Ring Master, “Crispy should be putting his equipment away in that van over there.”
As Francine walked over to Crispy, she tried to think of what to say to him, “You should see what I can set on fire! No . . . Hey, nice sword. No, too obvious.”
Crispy was cussing to himself and smoking a cigarette, “Mother fucking piece of worthless shit!”
“Yeah!” said Francine, “You tell that fucker!”
Crispy looked startled, “Sorry. I just can’t get this effing thing back in my van.”
“What kind of effing thing? Something ineffective? Something infuckingective?”
Crispy looked at Francine with his mouth open for a while. Then he started laughing and asked her out on a date.
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Agnes was driving along
Agnes almost drove off the road. She couldn’t look away from the clown face framed in her rearview mirror. She was afraid to stop the car. She was afraid to keep driving. With one hand she hit the speed-dial on her cell phone.
“Hello?”
“Francine, you’ve got to help me!”
“What’s wrong? Have you been in a car crash?”
“No, but I’m about to. There is a clown in my backseat and I can’t drive and keep my eyes on it at the same time.”
“How did a clown get in your backseat?”
“Blew in through the window.”
“What?”
“It blew in through the window.”
“Why don’t you stop the car?”
“It’s not belted in.”
“Agnes?”
“Yeah?”
“Why do you care that it’s not belted in?”
“Because it will fly at me!”
“Drive home. I’ll meet you out front with a baseball bat.”
“Can’t drive.”
“Ask the clown which way to go.”
“Oh, thank God, there’s a cop behind me and he’s pulling me over.”
|T|||h|||r||||e||||e||||||W|||e||||e|||k||||s||||||L|||a||||t||||e||||r|
“Agnes, tell Evira about the clown!”
“Only after you tell us what Crispy did now.”
A waiter comes up and interrupts the conversation. He takes their drink orders and walks away.
“That waiter has Zach’s head,” said Agnes.
“Whose head?”
“Zach.”
“Who’s Zach and exactly where does the waiter keep his head?”
“I was wondering the same thing myself,” Agnes picked at the menu.
“So, tell us about Crispy,” said Evira, “Your sword swallowing hottie.”
“Yeah, he’s hot,” sighed Francine, “If only I could figure him out. Sometimes he’s so sweet, but other times I feel like he’s not really treating me right.”
“Like when?” Evira prompted.
“Well, like the other day he was telling me about this big sword swallowing convention he’s going to in New Hampshire and he said how great it would be and that there’d be lots of chicks who’d want to ‘swallow his sword.’ And I kinda lost my cool and said, ‘They better not!’”
“And what’d he say?”
“He didn’t say anything and I apologized for loosing my cool.”
“So he was an ass, and you apologized.”
The waiter came by to take their orders. Agnes eyed him distrustfully. The waiter smiled at her. Agnes started to slowly slide down in her seat, “He gives me the creeps. Anyway, what did Crispy do today that upset you.”
“Oh, well, today he asked me to buy him tickets to this party he’s going to in Olalla. He couldn’t buy the tickets himself because he has to work. I said sure and then he was talking about how much he wanted to go, that he was going by himself, and that if he couldn’t get tickets they would have to put on ninja suits and sneak in. Then he got all flustered and said he meant just him, not they.” Francine sighed, “I think he’s taking another girl.”
“Circus freak,” said Agnes.
“Do you still have the tickets?” Evira bounced in her chair. “Don’t give them to him. Disappear and go to the party yourself. What kind of party is it anyway?”
Francine pulled out the tickets and handed them to Agnes.
“Olalla Family Nudist Party?!”
Francine and Evira stare at Agnes.
“Didn’t you read them?” asks Agnes, “It says right here underneath your name.” Agnes starts giggling and can’t stop.
“That bastard. You know, women’s liberation is very important,” Evira takes the tickets from Agnes and hands them back to Francine, “That’s why you need to keep these tickets and never see him again.”
Agnes keeps giggling.
“I’ll think about it,” says Francine.
The waiter comes by with their drinks. Agnes stops giggling.
“All right,” says Francine, “now you have to tell her about the clown.”
“So I was driving down the street and this blow-up clown blew in the back of my car and it scared me so bad that I couldn’t take my eyes off the rear view mirror.”
Agnes pauses while the waiter serves their food.
“Is your name Zach?” asks Francine.
“No, sorry,” says the waiter.
Francine shrugs at Agnes and gestures for her to continue.
“So finally a cop pulls me over,” Agnes starts giggling again, “So now I have driving in an HOV lane with a blow-up clown on my record.”
“Where did it come from?”
“The circus? I don’t know. I kept having the weirdest feeling it was trying to tell me something.”
“What was it trying to tell you?”
“I don’t know. Something about
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“Agnes?”
“Yeah?”
“You’re wearing shoes.”
“So, it’s a nudist party, not a shoeless party.”
“I can’t believe we’re doing this. Crispy will kill me if he sees me here.”
“Funtimes.”
“There he is!” Francine dives behind a tree.
Agnes stares at Crispy and his date.
“You’re wearing shoes,” says Crispy.
“And you’re cheating on you girlfriend,” says Agnes.
Crispy turns bright red as his date stares at him, “Is this true?”
As they walk away arguing, Agnes stares at an invisible spot in the sky. Francine comes out from behind the tree, “What are you looking at?”
“Oh, I just thought I saw something weird in the sky, but it must have just been my retina detaching.
The Forces of Evil Take the Day Off
Agnes had bit off more than she could chew. She tried to swallow the large chunk of Commie Break Down that was lodged in her mouth and ended up choking on it. Finally she spit it in her napkin and gave her full attention to the empty chair across the table from her. A few minutes ago, her old friend Zach had been sitting there ranting about how he wanted to choreograph a musical involving the "fluid movement of disparate persons." Then, right as she was trying to take a bite of her burger, he had vanished.
"The fluid movement of disparate persons, my ass," said Agnes to herself.
* * * *
Two months later Obe called Agnes.
"Hello?" said Agnes.
"Agnes!" said Obe.
"Uh."
"How are you doing?"
"Um."
"This is Obe."
"Oh hi! I thought you were. . .uh, yeah, hi!"
"Would you like to maybe go to Gasworks with me on Tuesday?"
"I can't," said Agnes, "I have Bible study."
"Oh. Well how about Saturday?"
"Sure."
Agnes hung up the phone and eyed it distrustfully. She poked it with her index finger. "Did he just ask me out?" she asked the phone.
* * * *
Francine was making soap out of organic free-range chicken fat and lavender. The soap was for the Solstice celebration she planned to have with Chet. She left the soap cooling on the stove and went to the store.
* * * *
Zach was time traveling. While eating lunch with Agnes, it had occurred to him that her life would be much better if she had never met him at all. Not only could Zach not procreate with humans, but marriage between two different species is illegal on any planet.
Zach time traveled to11:30 AM on the day he met Agnes. He shot himself to death at the Kitsap Mall in Bremerton
The Zach eating lunch with Agnes disappeared.
The Zach laying bleeding to death on the floor disappeared.
The Zach fleeing from the police disappeared.
S a t u r d a y
Francine was very disturbed to discover that her soap had disappeared. As she was searching for it, the phone rang.
"Hello?"
"Hi. Francine?"
"Oh, hi Chet!"
"How are you?"
"Great! I was just making some soap for Solstice, but now I can't seem to find it." Francine peered in the garbage disposal. She really didn't want to stick her hand down there.
"Cool. Well, nice talking to you."
"Bye."
Francine glared at the phone, "He didn't say anything about getting together tonight! So are we getting together tonight?"
The phone didn't answer.
* * * *
Obe and Agnes found Francine sticking her hand down the garbage disposal.
"Whoa," said Obe, "that's how my mom lost her hand."
"What?" said Agnes.
Francine hurriedly pulled her hand out of the disposal and eyed Obe suspiciously, "I'm sure you `accidentally' turned it on."
"I was a baby when it happened. She was trying to find the nipple to one of my bottles and accidentally bumped the switch."
"Does she have a prosthetic or a hook?" asked Agnes.
"Hook."
"Sexy," said Francine.
* * * *
Francine was frustrated. Chet had been acting oddly. He never expressed his emotions to anyone. "Yet he's attentive, sweet, funny, and smart," lamented Francine, "and I can't find my soap. "
Soap wasn't the only thing Francine lost when Zach attempted to permanently erased himself.
When Zach killed himselves, he was carrying a practical manual on machine repair. One of the machines detailed in the manual was an android. This manual fell into the hands of a computer technician.
He built an android.
The android was named Chet.
* * * *
"Have you seen Zach?" Agnes asked Francine.
"Who?"
"Zach."
"Who's Zach?"
"You know, weird tall guy, lives inTexas
"What are you talking about?"
Somewhere in the universe Zach woke up with a very bad hang-over.
"The fluid movement of disparate persons, my ass," said Agnes to herself.
* * * *
Two months later Obe called Agnes.
"Hello?" said Agnes.
"Agnes!" said Obe.
"Uh."
"How are you doing?"
"Um."
"This is Obe."
"Oh hi! I thought you were. . .uh, yeah, hi!"
"Would you like to maybe go to Gasworks with me on Tuesday?"
"I can't," said Agnes, "I have Bible study."
"Oh. Well how about Saturday?"
"Sure."
Agnes hung up the phone and eyed it distrustfully. She poked it with her index finger. "Did he just ask me out?" she asked the phone.
* * * *
Francine was making soap out of organic free-range chicken fat and lavender. The soap was for the Solstice celebration she planned to have with Chet. She left the soap cooling on the stove and went to the store.
* * * *
Zach was time traveling. While eating lunch with Agnes, it had occurred to him that her life would be much better if she had never met him at all. Not only could Zach not procreate with humans, but marriage between two different species is illegal on any planet.
Zach time traveled to
The Zach eating lunch with Agnes disappeared.
The Zach laying bleeding to death on the floor disappeared.
The Zach fleeing from the police disappeared.
S a t u r d a y
Francine was very disturbed to discover that her soap had disappeared. As she was searching for it, the phone rang.
"Hello?"
"Hi. Francine?"
"Oh, hi Chet!"
"How are you?"
"Great! I was just making some soap for Solstice, but now I can't seem to find it." Francine peered in the garbage disposal. She really didn't want to stick her hand down there.
"Cool. Well, nice talking to you."
"Bye."
Francine glared at the phone, "He didn't say anything about getting together tonight! So are we getting together tonight?"
The phone didn't answer.
* * * *
Obe and Agnes found Francine sticking her hand down the garbage disposal.
"Whoa," said Obe, "that's how my mom lost her hand."
"What?" said Agnes.
Francine hurriedly pulled her hand out of the disposal and eyed Obe suspiciously, "I'm sure you `accidentally' turned it on."
"I was a baby when it happened. She was trying to find the nipple to one of my bottles and accidentally bumped the switch."
"Does she have a prosthetic or a hook?" asked Agnes.
"Hook."
"Sexy," said Francine.
* * * *
Francine was frustrated. Chet had been acting oddly. He never expressed his emotions to anyone. "Yet he's attentive, sweet, funny, and smart," lamented Francine, "and I can't find my soap. "
Soap wasn't the only thing Francine lost when Zach attempted to permanently erased himself.
When Zach killed himselves, he was carrying a practical manual on machine repair. One of the machines detailed in the manual was an android. This manual fell into the hands of a computer technician.
He built an android.
The android was named Chet.
* * * *
"Have you seen Zach?" Agnes asked Francine.
"Who?"
"Zach."
"Who's Zach?"
"You know, weird tall guy, lives in
"What are you talking about?"
Somewhere in the universe Zach woke up with a very bad hang-over.
Agnes Auditions
“Look at this,” Agnes thrusts a Bremerton Reporter under Zach’s nose, “Auditions for new original musical . . . teen angst in the old west . . . blah, blah, blah . . . May 18 . . . 7pm . . .”
“I wonder if they need a set designer?” says Zach.
May 18, 7pm
Setting: An old auditorium with burnt sienna upholstered theater seating and a small scared wooden stage that has been painted several different colors over the years, each one worse than the last. Acting hopefuls are scattered throughout the auditorium, some talking in the aisles, some quietly seated. AGNES(a twenty-some burnet who looks like a librarian) and ZACH(an extra-terrestrial disguised as a human) enter through the rear door and take a seat in the right middle. The DIRECTOR(a distinguished looking woman of about 50, carrying a cane) climbs the steps to the stage and raps her cane on the ground.
DIRECTOR(with a slight Slovenian accent): Welcome to the auditions for the original musical, Y’all Do It My Way: A Tale of Teen Angst in the Old West. We are fortunate to have the author, JANE Morgan here with us today.
Scattered applause. AGNES cranes her head but still can’t see JANE. ZACH is looking at a stain on the ceiling.
DIRECTOR: We will start with auditions for the part of Tamela, the female lead.
Mumurs of excitement. The audition starts.
A Week Later
Agnes, Francine, and Zach are sitting at a table in Frache Cup. Zach is drinking coffee, Francine is drinking tea, and Agnes is dunking a cookie in milk.
“I still say that you should have got a better part,” Francine says to Agnes, “you are a fabulous actress and you deserve much better.”
“I got stage fright,” Agnes bites her cookie, “at least I get to do something.”
“Something! Something? That role is perverse!”
“Teen Cowgirl #8?” Agnes looks perplexed.
“Yes! I mean come on! ‘Up above’?”
“Up above . . . “
“And you have to swing your arms in the air,” Francine swings her arms up over her head.
“I don’t get it.”
“What is the line before that?”
“Down below.”
“Sung by teen cowboy number something!” Francine slaps the table, “And the line before that?”
“Changes, oh.”
“Terrible.”
“The weather?”
“Changes, oh, down below and up above.”
“OH!” Agnes looks startled, “I’m singing about puberty?”
“How about you Zach,” Francine sips her tea, “painting any sets?”
“I’m a tap dancing cowboy.”
“What?!”
“It’s true,” interjects Agnes.
“What kind of bloody twisted musical are you two in?”
“I told them I could do some set painting for them, but they really needed male actors and the next thing I knew I was dancing on stage with some woman banging her cane on the ground and yelling, ‘ball and chain’ at me.”
“Ball and chain?”
“Ball and change, probably,” Agnes shrugs, “The director has an accent.”
“Why would she yell ‘ball and change’ at me?”
“Ball like the ball of your foot,” Agnes points at the ball of her foot.
“Why would she say that?” Zach peers at the bottom of Agnes’ foot.
Francine takes a deep breath, slaps the table, then waves her hands in the air, “You know what, I give up.”
Agnes stands up and starts soft-shoeing while chanting, ”ball and change and ball and change and ball and change . . .”
Zach begins chanting and stomping his feet along with her.
A man walking by does a double take and then throws a quarter in Agnes’ cup.
“Ball and change ball and hey! That man just threw a quarter in my milk!” Agnes tips her cup, spilling milk on her shirt.
The next day Agnes convinced Teen Cowboy #5 to change lines with her.
Zach became convinced that “ball and change” really had something to do currency and had the balls of his cowboy boots nickel plated with real nickels.
Francine realized something was really wrong with the chronology of these stories and protested by sleeping in until noon.
Battle of the Bastards
It was a hot summer day. Francine and Agnes were sitting on the dock at Bitter Lake
"What would happen if we took all the guys that were real bastards and pitted them against each other in a fight to the death?" asked Francine, sticking her legs in the water.
"Hmm . . ." said Agnes, rolling onto her stomach.
"Who do you think would win?"
"Mmm . . . Josha."
* * * * * *
Josha Appletree could very easily take out Colbin Barr.
Colbin distinguished himself by only wanting to date Francine when she was dating other men. When she was single, he was indifferent to her romantically. When she was dating someone he would call her daily and leave moody messages on her answering machine.
While Francine is outside sunbathing, he is doing exactly that.
"Francine? I know you're there and you just don't want to talk to me. Why are you giving me all this bullshit when all this time I have been honest with you and open in expressing my feelings? I mean, let's really get to the issue here. I don't appreciate this bullcrap-[beep]"
The phone rings again.
"Francine? This is Colbin again. I got cut off. Look, I just really don't want to lose your friendship. [Long pause] Call me. [Longer pause] Bye."
* * * * * *
"Sure," said Francine, "he might be able to put him in the hospital. But could he make him stop calling me?"
"Not to mention motivation," said Agnes, "Josha is about as motivated as a pinkie toe. A very sexy pinkie toe."
Francine looks vaguely disturbed and decides to change the subject, "how about Obe? There's a guy who can take care of business! Yeah!"
* * * * * *
Obe Delmar could take out Colbin Barr by simply breathing on him. He could chop down Josha's Appletree single handed. He was currently too drunk to do either, and is having sex with some strange blonde girl.
* * * * * *
"Too nice," said Agnes, "they'd probably decide to go off to a bar and get drunk."
Francine sighs.
Agnes giggles. "How about Zach?"
"No way, he'd have no idea what was going on."
* * * * * *
Zacheaus Zucchini would have simply scared Colbin away. He would have moved at super sonic speed to dodge Obe's punches. For an encore he would plant a small radio transistor in Josha's head and make him run around wearing tinfoil antennae. No one knew how truly powerful Zach was.
Zach is currently on a spaceship, but Agnes believes he is inTexas
* * * * * *
"What was the name of that one guy? The one who sounded like a stuffed animal?" Francine pantomimes scalping a stuffed bear.
"Romani?" said Agnes, "Yeah, he could take out Colbin."
* * * * * *
Romani Molatti could beat the Barr out of Colbin. Given enough to drink and a small provocation, he would take on Colbin, Obe, Josha, and Zach all together. Romani is currently practicing one of his AA steps and is in a deep state of meditation.
So deep, that he doesn't notice the strange flashing lights in his room.
* * * * * *
What Agnes doesn't know is that the Romani she went on a date with was not really Romani. Romani had been more or less possessed by an extraterrestrial while in the highly suggestive state of self-hypnosis. Romani woke up the next day, embarrassed and frightened to realize that he had spent seven hours making romantic interludes towards a woman who he was not even remotely interested in.
The extraterrestrial who possessed Romani likes to go by the name "Zach." He is trying to borrow Romani again, this time to purchase a tract of land inTexas
This has nothing to do with our current story.
* * * * * *
"I have an idea," said Francine, "how's about you and I go beat up Colbin ourselves?"
"Sounds like a plan," said Agnes.
Francine spent the rest of the day talking to a really cute guy who was fishing in the lake. Agnes fell asleep in the sun, partially because she was tired, but mostly because it made her feel like she was doing something rebellious.
Colbin spent the entire day pouting.
Josha went waterskiing.
Obe got an STD.
Zach bought a tract of land inTexas
Romani bought a tract of land inTexas
"What would happen if we took all the guys that were real bastards and pitted them against each other in a fight to the death?" asked Francine, sticking her legs in the water.
"Hmm . . ." said Agnes, rolling onto her stomach.
"Who do you think would win?"
"Mmm . . . Josha."
* * * * * *
Josha Appletree could very easily take out Colbin Barr.
Colbin distinguished himself by only wanting to date Francine when she was dating other men. When she was single, he was indifferent to her romantically. When she was dating someone he would call her daily and leave moody messages on her answering machine.
While Francine is outside sunbathing, he is doing exactly that.
"Francine? I know you're there and you just don't want to talk to me. Why are you giving me all this bullshit when all this time I have been honest with you and open in expressing my feelings? I mean, let's really get to the issue here. I don't appreciate this bullcrap-[beep]"
The phone rings again.
"Francine? This is Colbin again. I got cut off. Look, I just really don't want to lose your friendship. [Long pause] Call me. [Longer pause] Bye."
* * * * * *
"Sure," said Francine, "he might be able to put him in the hospital. But could he make him stop calling me?"
"Not to mention motivation," said Agnes, "Josha is about as motivated as a pinkie toe. A very sexy pinkie toe."
Francine looks vaguely disturbed and decides to change the subject, "how about Obe? There's a guy who can take care of business! Yeah!"
* * * * * *
Obe Delmar could take out Colbin Barr by simply breathing on him. He could chop down Josha's Appletree single handed. He was currently too drunk to do either, and is having sex with some strange blonde girl.
* * * * * *
"Too nice," said Agnes, "they'd probably decide to go off to a bar and get drunk."
Francine sighs.
Agnes giggles. "How about Zach?"
"No way, he'd have no idea what was going on."
* * * * * *
Zacheaus Zucchini would have simply scared Colbin away. He would have moved at super sonic speed to dodge Obe's punches. For an encore he would plant a small radio transistor in Josha's head and make him run around wearing tinfoil antennae. No one knew how truly powerful Zach was.
Zach is currently on a spaceship, but Agnes believes he is in
* * * * * *
"What was the name of that one guy? The one who sounded like a stuffed animal?" Francine pantomimes scalping a stuffed bear.
"Romani?" said Agnes, "Yeah, he could take out Colbin."
* * * * * *
Romani Molatti could beat the Barr out of Colbin. Given enough to drink and a small provocation, he would take on Colbin, Obe, Josha, and Zach all together. Romani is currently practicing one of his AA steps and is in a deep state of meditation.
So deep, that he doesn't notice the strange flashing lights in his room.
* * * * * *
What Agnes doesn't know is that the Romani she went on a date with was not really Romani. Romani had been more or less possessed by an extraterrestrial while in the highly suggestive state of self-hypnosis. Romani woke up the next day, embarrassed and frightened to realize that he had spent seven hours making romantic interludes towards a woman who he was not even remotely interested in.
The extraterrestrial who possessed Romani likes to go by the name "Zach." He is trying to borrow Romani again, this time to purchase a tract of land in
This has nothing to do with our current story.
* * * * * *
"I have an idea," said Francine, "how's about you and I go beat up Colbin ourselves?"
"Sounds like a plan," said Agnes.
Francine spent the rest of the day talking to a really cute guy who was fishing in the lake. Agnes fell asleep in the sun, partially because she was tired, but mostly because it made her feel like she was doing something rebellious.
Colbin spent the entire day pouting.
Josha went waterskiing.
Obe got an STD.
Zach bought a tract of land in
Romani bought a tract of land in
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