More than anything, Chet wanted an upgrade or at least an oil change. When he said this the barista laughed, “Yeah man, me too.”
But this is not a story about Chet.
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Agnes was driving down
“Easy,” said Obe from the passenger seat.
“Clowns,” Agnes complained, “Circus equals clowns. Clowns are evil.”
“Yeah, I know.”
||T||||h||||e||||||N||||e||||x|||t||||||||D||||a||||y|||||||||||||||||||||
“Bye Agnes, I’m going to the circus.”
Agnes looked at Francine in disbelief. “The circus? The Funtimes-see-the-unicorn circus?”
“Yeah, why not?”
“Clowns.”
“Cute, single, acrobatic men!”
“Shiftless, scary, perverts. Do I need to mention clowns?”
“Agnes-“
“Clowns, Francine!”
“Uh-“
“If you bring one home I will pee myself!”
“Look-”
“Or kill it.”
“I’m not going to date a clown!”
“Or pee myself while killing it.”
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
The Funtimes Circus was one tent pitched in the parking lot of Kmart.
The show consisted of a scantily clad woman who stood on a horse while it ran in circles (“interesting, but stupid”), a lone trapeze/high wire artist (“too old”), a sword swallower who ate a fiery sword (“sexy”), and a goat with a horn grafted in the middle of its head (“wrong species”).
After the show Francine asked the Ring Master if she could talk to the sword swallower. “I just wanted to tell him how cool his act was.”
“Sure,” said the Ring Master, “Crispy should be putting his equipment away in that van over there.”
As Francine walked over to Crispy, she tried to think of what to say to him, “You should see what I can set on fire! No . . . Hey, nice sword. No, too obvious.”
Crispy was cussing to himself and smoking a cigarette, “Mother fucking piece of worthless shit!”
“Yeah!” said Francine, “You tell that fucker!”
Crispy looked startled, “Sorry. I just can’t get this effing thing back in my van.”
“What kind of effing thing? Something ineffective? Something infuckingective?”
Crispy looked at Francine with his mouth open for a while. Then he started laughing and asked her out on a date.
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Agnes was driving along
Agnes almost drove off the road. She couldn’t look away from the clown face framed in her rearview mirror. She was afraid to stop the car. She was afraid to keep driving. With one hand she hit the speed-dial on her cell phone.
“Hello?”
“Francine, you’ve got to help me!”
“What’s wrong? Have you been in a car crash?”
“No, but I’m about to. There is a clown in my backseat and I can’t drive and keep my eyes on it at the same time.”
“How did a clown get in your backseat?”
“Blew in through the window.”
“What?”
“It blew in through the window.”
“Why don’t you stop the car?”
“It’s not belted in.”
“Agnes?”
“Yeah?”
“Why do you care that it’s not belted in?”
“Because it will fly at me!”
“Drive home. I’ll meet you out front with a baseball bat.”
“Can’t drive.”
“Ask the clown which way to go.”
“Oh, thank God, there’s a cop behind me and he’s pulling me over.”
|T|||h|||r||||e||||e||||||W|||e||||e|||k||||s||||||L|||a||||t||||e||||r|
“Agnes, tell Evira about the clown!”
“Only after you tell us what Crispy did now.”
A waiter comes up and interrupts the conversation. He takes their drink orders and walks away.
“That waiter has Zach’s head,” said Agnes.
“Whose head?”
“Zach.”
“Who’s Zach and exactly where does the waiter keep his head?”
“I was wondering the same thing myself,” Agnes picked at the menu.
“So, tell us about Crispy,” said Evira, “Your sword swallowing hottie.”
“Yeah, he’s hot,” sighed Francine, “If only I could figure him out. Sometimes he’s so sweet, but other times I feel like he’s not really treating me right.”
“Like when?” Evira prompted.
“Well, like the other day he was telling me about this big sword swallowing convention he’s going to in New Hampshire and he said how great it would be and that there’d be lots of chicks who’d want to ‘swallow his sword.’ And I kinda lost my cool and said, ‘They better not!’”
“And what’d he say?”
“He didn’t say anything and I apologized for loosing my cool.”
“So he was an ass, and you apologized.”
The waiter came by to take their orders. Agnes eyed him distrustfully. The waiter smiled at her. Agnes started to slowly slide down in her seat, “He gives me the creeps. Anyway, what did Crispy do today that upset you.”
“Oh, well, today he asked me to buy him tickets to this party he’s going to in Olalla. He couldn’t buy the tickets himself because he has to work. I said sure and then he was talking about how much he wanted to go, that he was going by himself, and that if he couldn’t get tickets they would have to put on ninja suits and sneak in. Then he got all flustered and said he meant just him, not they.” Francine sighed, “I think he’s taking another girl.”
“Circus freak,” said Agnes.
“Do you still have the tickets?” Evira bounced in her chair. “Don’t give them to him. Disappear and go to the party yourself. What kind of party is it anyway?”
Francine pulled out the tickets and handed them to Agnes.
“Olalla Family Nudist Party?!”
Francine and Evira stare at Agnes.
“Didn’t you read them?” asks Agnes, “It says right here underneath your name.” Agnes starts giggling and can’t stop.
“That bastard. You know, women’s liberation is very important,” Evira takes the tickets from Agnes and hands them back to Francine, “That’s why you need to keep these tickets and never see him again.”
Agnes keeps giggling.
“I’ll think about it,” says Francine.
The waiter comes by with their drinks. Agnes stops giggling.
“All right,” says Francine, “now you have to tell her about the clown.”
“So I was driving down the street and this blow-up clown blew in the back of my car and it scared me so bad that I couldn’t take my eyes off the rear view mirror.”
Agnes pauses while the waiter serves their food.
“Is your name Zach?” asks Francine.
“No, sorry,” says the waiter.
Francine shrugs at Agnes and gestures for her to continue.
“So finally a cop pulls me over,” Agnes starts giggling again, “So now I have driving in an HOV lane with a blow-up clown on my record.”
“Where did it come from?”
“The circus? I don’t know. I kept having the weirdest feeling it was trying to tell me something.”
“What was it trying to tell you?”
“I don’t know. Something about
||||O||||l||||a|||l|||l||||a|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
“Agnes?”
“Yeah?”
“You’re wearing shoes.”
“So, it’s a nudist party, not a shoeless party.”
“I can’t believe we’re doing this. Crispy will kill me if he sees me here.”
“Funtimes.”
“There he is!” Francine dives behind a tree.
Agnes stares at Crispy and his date.
“You’re wearing shoes,” says Crispy.
“And you’re cheating on you girlfriend,” says Agnes.
Crispy turns bright red as his date stares at him, “Is this true?”
As they walk away arguing, Agnes stares at an invisible spot in the sky. Francine comes out from behind the tree, “What are you looking at?”
“Oh, I just thought I saw something weird in the sky, but it must have just been my retina detaching.
No comments:
Post a Comment