"What would happen if we took all the guys that were real bastards and pitted them against each other in a fight to the death?" asked Francine, sticking her legs in the water.
"Hmm . . ." said Agnes, rolling onto her stomach.
"Who do you think would win?"
"Mmm . . . Josha."
* * * * * *
Josha Appletree could very easily take out Colbin Barr.
Colbin distinguished himself by only wanting to date Francine when she was dating other men. When she was single, he was indifferent to her romantically. When she was dating someone he would call her daily and leave moody messages on her answering machine.
While Francine is outside sunbathing, he is doing exactly that.
"Francine? I know you're there and you just don't want to talk to me. Why are you giving me all this bullshit when all this time I have been honest with you and open in expressing my feelings? I mean, let's really get to the issue here. I don't appreciate this bullcrap-[beep]"
The phone rings again.
"Francine? This is Colbin again. I got cut off. Look, I just really don't want to lose your friendship. [Long pause] Call me. [Longer pause] Bye."
* * * * * *
"Sure," said Francine, "he might be able to put him in the hospital. But could he make him stop calling me?"
"Not to mention motivation," said Agnes, "Josha is about as motivated as a pinkie toe. A very sexy pinkie toe."
Francine looks vaguely disturbed and decides to change the subject, "how about Obe? There's a guy who can take care of business! Yeah!"
* * * * * *
Obe Delmar could take out Colbin Barr by simply breathing on him. He could chop down Josha's Appletree single handed. He was currently too drunk to do either, and is having sex with some strange blonde girl.
* * * * * *
"Too nice," said Agnes, "they'd probably decide to go off to a bar and get drunk."
Francine sighs.
Agnes giggles. "How about Zach?"
"No way, he'd have no idea what was going on."
* * * * * *
Zacheaus Zucchini would have simply scared Colbin away. He would have moved at super sonic speed to dodge Obe's punches. For an encore he would plant a small radio transistor in Josha's head and make him run around wearing tinfoil antennae. No one knew how truly powerful Zach was.
Zach is currently on a spaceship, but Agnes believes he is in
* * * * * *
"What was the name of that one guy? The one who sounded like a stuffed animal?" Francine pantomimes scalping a stuffed bear.
"Romani?" said Agnes, "Yeah, he could take out Colbin."
* * * * * *
Romani Molatti could beat the Barr out of Colbin. Given enough to drink and a small provocation, he would take on Colbin, Obe, Josha, and Zach all together. Romani is currently practicing one of his AA steps and is in a deep state of meditation.
So deep, that he doesn't notice the strange flashing lights in his room.
* * * * * *
What Agnes doesn't know is that the Romani she went on a date with was not really Romani. Romani had been more or less possessed by an extraterrestrial while in the highly suggestive state of self-hypnosis. Romani woke up the next day, embarrassed and frightened to realize that he had spent seven hours making romantic interludes towards a woman who he was not even remotely interested in.
The extraterrestrial who possessed Romani likes to go by the name "Zach." He is trying to borrow Romani again, this time to purchase a tract of land in
This has nothing to do with our current story.
* * * * * *
"I have an idea," said Francine, "how's about you and I go beat up Colbin ourselves?"
"Sounds like a plan," said Agnes.
Francine spent the rest of the day talking to a really cute guy who was fishing in the lake. Agnes fell asleep in the sun, partially because she was tired, but mostly because it made her feel like she was doing something rebellious.
Colbin spent the entire day pouting.
Josha went waterskiing.
Obe got an STD.
Zach bought a tract of land in
Romani bought a tract of land in
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