Agnes Adventures

   Agnes met Romani at noon. They spent the entire day together. Romani bought her lunch, held doors open for her, programmed her into his phone, set up another date with her, told her she was beautiful, and kissed her goodnight.

    "On the mouth," said Agnes to Francine.

    "As opposed to where?"

    "That's not the point, the point is he never wants to see me again because he wasn't feeling a `connection.'"

    "What?"

    "A connection."

    "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

* * * *

    Agnes was beginning to think that everyone was having trouble making connections with her. So she decided to help out a motorist stranded by the side of the road.

    "Hey Francine, look at that guy with the broken down car."

    "Sucks to be him."

    "Let's stop and help him."

    "Alright."

    Agnes pulled over to the side of the road. She and Francine got out and walked over to the stranded motorist.

    "Hey there! Want some help?" asked Francine.

    "Yeah. You help push, she steer?"

    "Sure."

    Agnes climbed into the broken car. As she did so, she couldn't help but notice that there was a pick axe on the floorboard underneath her feet. "Strange," said Agnes to herself. As she turned the key and put the car in drive, she bumped her hand against a baseball bat resting in the passenger side. "Um," said Agnes.

    Francine and the motorist started pushing.

    After they had pushed the car into the parking lot, Agnes eagerly hopped out of the driver's seat. The motorist leaned inside the car and turned the starter. The car started and the motorist thanked Agnes and Francine, got in his car, and drove away.

    "He was weird," said Agnes.

    "Yeah, he seemed a little nervous," said Francine.

    "He had a pick axe and a baseball bat in his car," said Agnes.

    "What?!"

    "I said-"

    "Why didn't you tell me?"

    "What was I supposed to say? `Hey, Francine, I think this guy is going to kill us'?"

    "I wonder why he didn't try anything."

    "Maybe because he knew you could take him and because I look evil."

    "Maybe he wasn't feeling a connection."

    "Oh fuck, I can't even get someone to murder me."


* * * *

    This story isn't really about Romani. It's about Agnes.

    Romani only has a high school education and doesn't know the meaning of the word "muss."

    Romani is a dry alcoholic.

    He is very beautiful.

* * * *

    Agnes decided that a good way to get connected with people would be to state what she thought they were thinking. "Empathy, interested listening, and rephrasing is always the way to go," Agnes thought to herself as she walked down Yestler, "now I just have to find someone to connect with."

    Agnes spotted a homeless man walking ahead of her. She walked faster to catch up to him. The man formed his left hand into a fist and raised it in the air.

    "Power to the people!" said Agnes.

    The man lowered his fist and gestured towards the ground. The only thing Agnes could see that he might be gesturing at was a pigeon.

    "Uh, power to the . . . pigeon?"

    The man raised his fist again.

    "Power to the people!"

    The man lowered his fist.

    "Power to the pigeon!"

    The man raised it.

    "Power to the people!"

    Lowered it.

    "Power to the pigeon!"

    "Yeah sister," said the man, "dig those braids."

    Agnes' heart soared. She'd done it. She'd

                 made a connection!