Agnes Gets Exorcised

   Josha had been acting strangely ever since he stopped smoking pot. He cut his hair. He stole Agnes' sugar bowl. He even started paying attention in church.

   Agnes didn't really notice that Josha was acting differently. She was more concerned about the fact that her sugar bowl was missing. Francine found Agnes peering under her couch.
  
   "Agnes?"
  
   "Well I found a quarter, a ball of hair, and two Cheerios," said Agnes, handing the ball of hair to Francine.

   "Gross," said Francine, "What are you looking for?"
  
   "My sugar bowl. It's been missing ever since movie night."

* ** * * * * * * * * * *

  Josha knew that stealing was wrong, "Commandment number eight," he said to himself. But at the same time, he felt that he had a primae facae obligation to Agnes. So, Josha took Agnes' sugar bowl to mass with him.
  
   "Bless me Father, for I have sinned, it has been six days since my last confession, and I stole this sugar bowl, and I think Agnes is possessed" said Josha.
  
   "Bless you, my son," said the priest, "say seven hail-did you say you stole a sugar bowl and possessed eggs?"
  
   "Agnes," said Josha.
  
   "18 hail Marys. And fill the sugar bowl with Holy Water. We don't need any possessed objects in this church."

* ** * * * * * * * * * *
   Agnes doesn't know that Josha used to smoke pot.
  
   She doesn't know that her skirt was riding up on her at movie night and that she'd inadvertently flashed Josha with her right butt cheek.
  
   There are a lot of things that Agnes does not know.

   We have a word for people like Agnes, and that word is naive.

* ** * * * * * * * * * *

    Agnes was very excited to find her sugar bowl sitting on the altar at church. "Divine intervention!" said Agnes.
  
   "Someone felt guilty and returned it," said Francine, "but it looks like it doesn't have sugar in it anymore. What the hell, er heck is that?"
  
   "Water," said Agnes.
  
   "Holy water," said a voice behind them.
  
   "Josha!" said Agnes, "you won't believe-"
  
   "Walk with me," said Josha, offering Agnes his arm. Agnes shrugged at Francine and handed her the sugar bowl.

* ** * * * * * * * * * *

    Most people don't know that Francine considers herself a witch.

* ** * * * * * * * * * *

    Josha walked Agnes out into the parking lot. He didn't think it would be appropriate to exorcize her in the church. "After all," he thought, "what would happen if her demons got loose and wreaked havoc on the church?"

* ** * * * * * * * * * *

    No, I'm not going to tell you the details of the "exorcism."
  
   However, I will tell you that Agnes had the same number of demons that she had before.
  
   That number, for the sake of the record is zero.

* ** * * * * * * * * * *

    Josha left Agnes in the parking lot and went back inside the church. Things hadn't really worked out how he thought they would. Agnes hadn't talked in weird voices or writhed on the ground. Instead, she just sat down on the curb and cried. "Some demons only come out through prayer and fasting," he told Francine.
  
   "Have I ever told you that I'm a witch?" said Francine. She very deliberately dropped the sugar bowl, spilling holy water on herself. "Ahhh! It burns!" Francine screamed, lunging at Josha.

   Josha ran out of the church, tripping over Agnes. Agnes yelped as Josha jumped back to his feet and ran to his car. She watched him peel out and take a sharp right onto the freeway.

   "What's with him?" said Francine.

* ** * * * * * * * * * *

    Josha started smoking pot again. The next time Agnes saw him, he gave her a pair of diamond earrings.

* ** * * * * * * * * * *

    Agnes took her sugar bowl home and filled it with sugar.

* ** * * * * * * * * * *

    Francine has only one thing to say about all of this, "Karma," she says, "or 'divine intervention' as Agnes would say."