The Forces of Evil Take the Day Off

   Agnes had bit off more than she could chew. She tried to swallow the large chunk of Commie Break Down that was lodged in her mouth and ended up choking on it. Finally she spit it in her napkin and gave her full attention to the empty chair across the table from her. A few minutes ago, her old friend Zach had been sitting there ranting about how he wanted to choreograph a musical involving the "fluid movement of disparate persons." Then, right as she was trying to take a bite of her burger, he had vanished.
  
   "The fluid movement of disparate persons, my ass," said Agnes to herself.

* * * *

    Two months later Obe called Agnes.

   "Hello?" said Agnes.

   "Agnes!" said Obe.

   "Uh."

   "How are you doing?"

   "Um."

   "This is Obe."

   "Oh hi! I thought you were. . .uh, yeah, hi!" 

   "Would you like to maybe go to Gasworks with me on Tuesday?"

   "I can't," said Agnes, "I have Bible study."

   "Oh. Well how about Saturday?"

   "Sure."

   Agnes hung up the phone and eyed it distrustfully. She poked it with her index finger. "Did he just ask me out?" she asked the phone.

* * * *

   Francine was making soap out of organic free-range chicken fat and lavender. The soap was for the Solstice celebration she planned to have with Chet. She left the soap cooling on the stove and went to the store.

* * * *

   Zach was time traveling. While eating lunch with Agnes, it had occurred to him that her life would be much better if she had never met him at all. Not only could Zach not procreate with humans, but marriage between two different species is illegal on any planet.
  
   Zach time traveled to 11:30 AM on the day he met Agnes. He shot himself to death at the Kitsap Mall in Bremerton. Police tried to pursue him, but all Zachs disappeared.
  
   The Zach eating lunch with Agnes disappeared.
  
   The Zach laying bleeding to death on the floor disappeared.
  
   The Zach fleeing from the police disappeared.

S a t u r d a y

    Francine was very disturbed to discover that her soap had disappeared. As she was searching for it, the phone rang.

   "Hello?"

   "Hi. Francine?"

   "Oh, hi Chet!"

   "How are you?"

   "Great! I was just making some soap for Solstice, but now I can't seem to find it." Francine peered in the garbage disposal. She really didn't want to stick her hand down there.

   "Cool. Well, nice talking to you."

   "Bye."

   Francine glared at the phone, "He didn't say anything about getting together tonight! So are we getting together tonight?"

   The phone didn't answer.

* * * *

    Obe and Agnes found Francine sticking her hand down the garbage disposal.


   "Whoa," said Obe, "that's how my mom lost her hand."

   "What?" said Agnes.

   Francine hurriedly pulled her hand out of the disposal and eyed Obe suspiciously, "I'm sure you `accidentally' turned it on."

   "I was a baby when it happened. She was trying to find the nipple to one of my bottles and accidentally bumped the switch."

   "Does she have a prosthetic or a hook?" asked Agnes.

   "Hook."

   "Sexy," said Francine.

* * * *

    Francine was frustrated. Chet had been acting oddly. He never expressed his emotions to anyone. "Yet he's attentive, sweet, funny, and smart," lamented Francine, "and I can't find my soap. "

   Soap wasn't the only thing Francine lost when Zach attempted to permanently erased himself.

   When Zach killed himselves, he was carrying a practical manual on machine repair. One of the machines detailed in the manual was an android. This manual fell into the hands of a computer technician.

  He built an android.

  The android was named Chet.


* * * *

    "Have you seen Zach?" Agnes asked Francine.

    "Who?"

    "Zach."

   "Who's Zach?"

   "You know, weird tall guy, lives in Texas, married to some mysterious woman no one has ever met . . ."
  
   "What are you talking about?"
  
   Somewhere in the universe Zach woke up with a very bad hang-over.